Is it appropriate at this point to bring up engagement with my boyfriend?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and have been living together for a year of that time. We are committed to each other and have discussed many major topics–where to live, pets, kids, career plans, money. We know each others’ families and have successfully split holiday time, vacations, etc.
However, we’re both still in college (he owns a small biz as well) and don’t have a whole lot of money. I want a ring but not a bank-breaker; I think I have the skills to plan an affordable yet elegant wedding in the near future, but I suspect he would be anxious about this aspect. I think a tiny part of him thinks his life will be boring once he’s married; yet he’s disappointed when he doesn’t get to spend yet another low-key Friday night hanging out with me.
I would like to get engaged very soon; if I didn’t think it would hurt his pride I would propose. Would it be appropriate to bring it up?
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no. dont bring it up. like, im going to get so many thumbs down on this, but hear me out
men do not like to propose until they have all their ducks in a line. so you are both still in school, and do not have a lot of money. that is two of his ducks wandering away. until you guys finish school and have more money, he is not going to want to propose because in his mind, he cannot take care of you the way he should be able to.
the average guy does not propose until some odd figure like six years, three months, and thirtynine days. this is all because men like things to be going exactly perfectly before they try to throw another thing in there.
im not saying he WONT propose. like, if a year from now you guys are suddenly much more well off to the point where paying for school and a wedding and all your living expenses doesnt break you, he could turn up with a ring one day. but right now while he still has money and school on his mind, let him process those so he doesnt get all messed up by the idea of having to plan a wedding and spend more money
Sure you can bring it up. It is not innapropriate after a year and a half. Just be prepared if it doesn’t go your way.
Hmmm….this is a toughie!
I would wait a little bit. You guys are both still quite young, and you still have LOADS of time to get to this stuff. With him still being in college AND running a small business, he’s got a whole lot on his plate. Guys are funny like that, esp. when they are in their early 20s, questions like this can send them running for the hills, and that is certainly not what you want. Also, depending upon where you are, weddings can be extremely expensive. Like in smaller towns, for something nice, you are looking at 100 per person if you have alcohol, and it can go up to 300 per person with extras or if you want better food or better liquor. In big cities like New York, the cheapest reception prices are somewhere around $159 per person. It is insane! Plus your dress, and flowers, trust me, it all adds up!
My advice right now is to just enjoy each other’s company and see what happens. When I look back at who I was in my early 20s, I am a totally different person than I am today. Consequently, the person whom I was dating and imagined spending my life with back then would drive me CRAZY right now! Just take your time and see where it goes! Good Luck!
Personally, I would have brought up engagement and marriage before moving in together. Seems like an important conversation to have at that point.
That being said, open communication is key in any good relationship. You can certainly ask him about the prospect of getting engaged/married. Ask him what he feels about it, tell him what you feel. But don’t push the issue. And don’t insist he propose by any set date (unless you are willing to live with the consequences of him not following through). Simply ask if it’s on his radar at all. Use his answer to think about what you want…
He seems insecure with the marriage idea, so I wouldn’t propose - but I would drop some major hints. I started dropping hints to my boyfriend pretty early on, and he later told me that he caught every one of them. He said that he was nervous about them at first because it was new territory, but he was glad that I was so subtle and let him ease on into the idea. I think you should do this too…especially with a guy thats a little afraid of marriage.
Some hints I dropped were making a big deal out of wedding things we saw (magazines and stuff), commenting on so and so’s wedding and how I would do it differently, we even passed by a couple of weddings and I was able to melt a little bit infront of him and then like look at the floor a little (lol). Eventually HE brought it up directly and said “look, I know that your hinting about engagements, and I just want to let you know that that doesn’t freak me out too much” haha.
Anyway, long story short…he proposed, and were set to get married next summer.
Good luck!
You can discuss it… it really depends on his personality. But if he doesn’t mind discussing your future as a couple as you have described, I think you’ll be okay. But do not push him. Just like the first person said, guys want to have everything in order. If they feel like they’ll be worse off in certain areas such as money (usually its money) they’ll hyperventilate at the idea of spending a couple grand on a decent ring which is really not a bank-buster in the least. He wants you to have everything you two want without limitations. Discuss it, go ahead. But do not make it seem like you expect a proposal in the near future.
You should have discussed the marriage topic before moving in. Since you’ve discussed everything else, I don’t know why you’re hesitating on this topic!
I was never a hint-dropping kind of gal, so my now-husband and I always discussed marriage pretty frankly… like adults. We knew we’d get married before moving in, it was just a matter of me feeling ready. When I felt ready, we got engaged. Then we got married. Getting married is one of the biggest life decisions you’ll ever make… therefore, you should not be afraid of discussing it.
I wouldn’t propose, but do bring getting married up if that is what you are thinking you want to do. It doesn’t sound as if the two of you have had that conversation yet. See if he’s even thinking about marrying you before bringing up a ring. If he balks you have your answer.
Bring it up and attempt to have an honest conversation with him. You say he thinks he may be bored once he is married? This probably means he isn’t quite ready yet. So be prepared for the him to either freeze, or for the discussion to head to “I’m not ready yet” territory.
I think 1.5 years is definitely enough time, especially since you’ve lived together for a year of that. One of the best ways to have a successful marriage is to communicate, so bringing up the engagement issue should not be that big of a problem for you and for him to listen to.
Please bring up the engagement only and not necessarily the proposal/ring etc. It may seem to him like you already have your mind made up and he might feel pressured.
He has everything he wants. He has a regular sex partner, a best friend to do cool things with, a wonderful companion, etc.
He has no incentive to marry you.
By marrying you, what would he be getting from you that he doesn’t already have?
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Commmitment does not seem like a problem since he already moved in with you after only knowing you for half a year. Just bring it up saying “i want to get married someday. Do you?”
Do NOT propose to him. That is HIS job.
I was in a similar situation. After two years of dating someone, I did bring it up. I told him I wanted to get married and share my life with someone. I was very honest in my feelings and told him if we were not moving in the same direction , we should probably part ways as friends and move on.
I felt I was not being honest with myself if I was to stay in a relationship that would not end up with what I wanted, marriage. I did not pressure him at all, but had to make my dreams known to him. He had been married before and burned. So , I kinda sensed that he could go on dating forever with no problem. Well, I did not want that.
He did propose to me about 4 months later with a beautiful ring. Funny, because the weekend he proposed I was actually going to bring up our previous discussion and tell him I had to move on. So I was very surprised when he whipped out a ring. I was glad I never had to break up with him.
We were married over the summer.
So, you owe it to yourself to talk to him about your desires for the future. If he is not on the same page as you, you will have to make some hard decisions. But do not propose. You will forever regret not having that moment when HE gets down on his knee.